The Blue Fic
by Lea of Mirkwood
Summary: Immortal Fellowship + significant others living in Florida, working at Disney. Four author fic. Begins when Boromir comes to live with them, invited by ex-wife Reala. Dysfunction in a box. Please review. Will be updated sooooooon.... *sob*
1. Enter the Trojanman

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AND THEY ALL LIVED ------- EVER AFTER!

Blue Fic

Chapter One

...Trojan Man Strikes Back...

Alternate chapter title: And Boromir has left zee cage.

Authors: Lea (Me), Reala (Zeech), Lindi (Kadama or Reala and Lindi) and Boshi.

Rating: R

Disclaimer: Ehh...for this chapter, we only own Reala, Lea and Boshi. We do not own the little "Sharks" thing, that came to me via Boshi who heard it somewhere that she can't remember. We do not own the Fellowship (But I've been good all year and I'm asking Santa.), nothing we write in here has any true effect in the world of Disney or Celebration (cough) and this is all filled with classic Floridian humor.

Author's Note: I (Lea) began this sometime last...February in World History, let Becky begin writing in it, then Boshi, then Lindi. So this has been going on for quite some time now. We have a three-inch binder filled with loose-leaf paper and a small notebook and half a bigger one. Oh yeah, and Boromir's not dead.

--- --- ---

Immortality...the aftereffects of eradicating evil from the world. Gradually, however, the Fellowship was torn asunder, couples split and it all drifted away. Then one day in 2002 (when this humble fic began) they were drawn together by an evil surpassing Sauron...eviction. And so the Fellowship and their significant others rented a house in Celebration, Orlando, Florida, USA. They had been there only a year when the last remaining member of the Fellowship joined them...

"Boromir?!" yelled Legolas indignantly.

"He's staying here," said Reala smugly, hooking her arm in his. Legolas took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. Reala scowled at him.

"You still haven't gotten over that whole 'Troy v. Greece' thing? That was like...two millennia ago."

Legolas glowered at Boromir all the same. Boromir pushed his way past Legolas, knocking him with his broad shoulders. Legolas was shoved back. He made a frustrated noise in the back of his throat and stomped after them, the effect ruined by the fact that Elves, even after six thousand years of immortality, still did not make any noise whatsoever when they walked. Even when they wanted to. Boromir stepped into the living room and stared in horror. Merry and Pippin were playing Diablo on the TV screen.

"Die!" shrieked Pippin. "Why won't you die?!"

Boromir looked at the screen closely and his eye twitched involuntarily. "They look like Uruk-hai."

"They look like you," chirped Merry. "Hi, Boromir the non-ruler of extinct Gondor!"

Suddenly the front door opened and a very angry she-Elf stormed into the room. Sam, Frodo and Reala dove to opposite corners of the room rather than ask how Lea's day was. She paused like a deer in the headlights when she saw Boromir, then caught herself.

"Aie!" she mocked, pointing at him in horror. "Trojan man!"

Boromir scowled. "Very funny."

Merry and Pippin managed to pause Diablo before collapsing into fits of laughter. "It...it...is so funny!" gasped Merry in between fits of giggles.

"Trojan man!" cried Pippin, throwing his fist in the air and then doubling over in laughter again.

"Boromir can have the bottom bunk under Legolas," said Aragorn from the kitchen. Everyone jumped. Reala gave him a feral glare. "He needs a collar with bells or something...as bad as Elves."

--- --- ---

Merry waved his hand at the door at the end of the hall. "That's the hobbit room."

A series of small signs were hanging on the door overlapping each other. Boromir walked over and lifted each one up and read them. Tuckborough, Brandy Hall, Bag End... Boromir looked over at Merry in confusion.

"Depends on who gets home first." Merry waved his hand expansively at a half-open door with about ten padlocks and deadbolts on the inside doorjamb. Boromir stared.

"Ehh...the girls room," explained Merry. "The locks are there because of the time Frodo messed up the ingredients in the food and made a very strong aphrodisiac and fed it to...well, that was a long time ago. Legolas already tried getting through. It doesn't work," finished Merry with a note of sadness.

He waved up at the ceiling. "Gimli's up there, and Gandalf has a room off of the kitchen. It's supposed to be a broom closet, but Gandalf did something and now it's connected to another dimension. He mostly lives there now."

He moved to the last bedroom door. "This is your room."

Boromir warily opened the door. Thousands of years living with immortals and their paranoia made him a little leery of new places as well. He walked in and saw two blond Elves making up the bottom bunk with new sheets. Legolas turned and bowed.

"Trojan man."

"Shove it."

Lea snickered and finished putting the pillow in the Lion King pillowcase. "Trojan man. You know, you never knew which side to take."

Boromir stepped forward threateningly. "Hey, that Ring was pretty t-t-tempting."

The two Elves shook their heads and walked out. Boromir followed and tapped Legolas on the shoulder. He turned, and Lea went on ahead.

"What, Trojan man? Have you a surplus of the little teal boxes?"

"Ha ha. Actually I was wondering what time the alarm was set for?"

"I don't know. Aragorn (said with a certain note of contempt) is the only one who uses it. You'll have to ask him-"

A horrific shriek rang out suddenly, causing Legolas to turn around and grab the upstairs banister. As Boromir watched in amazement the Elf sprang over the rail and landed lightly on the ground floor. He ran off in the direction of the conflict, being the mediator of the house. Boromir followed. Lea was standing by the refrigerator waving Andúril at Gimli in a threatening manner. The Dwarf was wobbling around drunkenly, armed with a toilet plunger he obviously thought to be a Dwarven battle-axe. Legolas took one look at the scene and gave up all hope, leaping behind the sofa with Frodo, Sam and Merry. Aragorn reached out with a potholder and yanked Andúril away from the she-Elf and threw it aside. It flew right past Pippin, nearly taking off his head and stuck in the wall, quivering like a shish-kebab stick stabbed into a steak. The hobbit yelped and ran behind Lea, who turned to Aragorn with a death look worthy of being compared to the velociraptors from Jurassic Park.

"Hey!" she yelled. "You nearly took his head off!"

Aragorn shook his finger at her. "If you hadn't had the sword-"

"If you hadn't let Gimli get drunk-"

"I did not get drunk!" roared said Dwarf. "I got drunk!"

"Ass!"

The fight broke out in full force: Aragorn vs. Gimli vs. Lea vs. Reala (after a rude comment made by someone about Reala's mother) with Pippin cheering for Lea from the top of the refrigerator. Merry peered around the edge of the sofa after Boromir stepped behind the sofa as well. He felt like Jacques Cousteau.

"Observe zee vicious majestry of zee sharks as zey tear each ozzer to leetul peezes. But fear not, we are safe in zee cage!"

Boromir leaned forward. "What should we do?" he asked Merry in a hushed tone.

Merry flapped his hand behind him, nearly smacking Boromir in the face. "Non, non, stay behind me; you are safe in zee cage!"

Just then the fight got ugly. Aragorn yelled a particularly nasty insult at Reala after her knee connected solidly with his groin. There, Boromir made a fatal mistake. Again. He stepped over Merry, Frodo, Sam and Legolas and yelled, "Hey, you can't talk to her that way!"

"Non, non!" cried Sam and Frodo in unison. Boromir looked at the angry faces of Aragorn, Gimli and Lea, than back at the terror of the refugees behind the sofa, then back to the fight. He strode forward and tried to keep the combatants apart, but was consumed. The onlookers stared in horror, then winced as they heard a long, shrill shriek that was suddenly cut off with a strange sucking "thwump" sound.

"And Boromir has left zee cage," finished Merry sadly.

--- --- ---

It took a good 45 minutes to get the toilet plunger off of Boromir's head, and another half-hour to scrub off the rubber scuff marks from his face and the floor. Gimli had passed out on the floor and they managed to shove him into the hall closet. Lea was sulking in the corner of the living room, nursing a jammed middle finger and occasionally glaring at Aragorn. Pippin had been assigned the task of dislodging Andúril from the kitchen wall, then to take masking tape and cover the hole with it, then Wite-Out to blend it in to the wall. Aragorn managed to make it upstairs, his face contorted into grotesque expressions as he held and ice pack to his crotch. Whether the pain or the cold was causing him to make the faces, no one knew and didn't dare to ask.

--- --- ---

The next morning Boromir opened the bathroom door and frowned. Funny. There were even more locks on the bathroom door than on the girl's room door. Then, with the same look as one who has discovered the secret of the universe (and promptly forgot it), he realized. 'Ah. Shower.' He nodded sagely, mentally congratulating himself. Suddenly the shower curtain swung open and out stepped Aragorn with only a towel girding his manly region. He let out a yell of shock and his heels slipped in a puddle of water. He fell over, knocking into Boromir and toppling over with the other man onto the ground. A beat passed and then Boromir let out a decidedly womanly scream. Arwen skidded into view and clapped her hand over to her mouth at the sight of Boromir and Aragorn in a tangle of arms and legs on the floor.

"Oh my lord," she murmured in horror. "Aragorn...Estel...you're like that? Why didn't you tell-"

"NO!" shrieked Aragorn trying to get up off of Boromir while maintaining his modesty. Which was damn near impossible, as proved when he only seemed to get more tangled. Boromir was making small, terrified noises as he tried to use the doorjamb as support to pull himself out from under the ranger. Arwen stepped away from the doorjamb as Boromir kept yanking on it and it continued to splinter (Dom.) under his grip. Lea passed by, hopping lightly on one foot as she tried to put her shoe on while walking.

"Ha," she said briefly then disappeared from view. Boromir stood up, looking pale and disheveled.

"I think I'll go for that job interview now."

--- --- ---


	2. Kitchen Inferno!

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Blue Fic

Chapter Two

Kitchen Inferno!

Authors: Lea, Reala, Boshi

Disclaimer: See previous chapter. Do not own Disney. Do not own Stephanie, because found out on Bio field trip to Animal Kingdom she actually exists. We are not implicating that getting a job at Disney is so easily done. If it was, then we would all wear the ears. We also are not suggesting Disney serves alkeehol. It just makes for an interesting story. Gandalf's personality and broom closet belong to Washu. Reala owns her own potholders. Legolas owns the special necklace. I don't know if they have Gay Pride Day at Disney, but if they do they own that too.

--- --- ---

"Good morning and welcome to the Anandapour tour. My name is Lea and I will be your tour guide today. If you have any questions please come to me."

The tourists milled around confusedly, taking pictures of random objects. Lea quickly turned around and worked her jaw, sore from smiling.

"Hey, that chick has a nice ass!" said a far-too-familiar voice.

"Yeah, but those pleated shorts cover that up real well," replied another, far-too-familiar voice. Lea whirled around and stalked over to Merry and Pippin, Pippin facing away from her. She watched Merry's face pale as she clapped her hand on Pippin's shoulder.

"Pippin," she said, smiling in such a way as to suggest homicidal intent. "You know this is where I work. Why are you here?"

Pippin smiled innocently, trying not to notice the fact that Merry was slowly trying to sidle away into the crowd. "On my break?"

"You don't have a job."

"I wanted to see the kitties?"

"No."

"I wanted to go on the water ride?"

"I don't think so."

"I wanted to see my dear, beloved Lea at work?"

Merry made a small game buzzer noise.

"Really?" said Lea sarcastically. "And pigs fly?"

"If you put them on an airplane, yes."

Lea smacked him upside the head.

"We did pay to get in."

"No you didn't," said Lea, reaching out to yank Merry back. "You have passes."

"Okay, so we didn't..."

"Lea! Merry! Pippin!"

They all turned to see a smaller dark-haired Elf taking long strides for them. She was wearing a DinoLand Staff polo shirt. 

"Boshi!" Pippin squealed, half in terror and half in genuine enjoyment. She took a quick glance at Lea's face and smiled knowingly. She turned to the hobbits.

"Would you two like to join me down at the kids areaa? I'll buy you ice cream..."

"But...want bug Lea?" they replied piteously, torn between the prospects of being annoying and getting food.

"And two chili-dogs each...But if you don't want any..."

"Can we eat, then bug Lea?"

"No, you have to choose. One or the other."

They wavered for a moment, then... "Food?"

"Lots of food." Boshi smiled slyly. Lea mouthed a thank you over the hobbits heads. They advanced on Boshi, stars and chili-dogs dancing in their eyes. They strolled off happily, leaving Lea to do her job in peace. 

'Well at least with my area of employment they won't look suspicious...' Boshi thought.

Lea turned back to her group. "We now begin our tour after that short delay."

"How far do we have to go?" asked Merry, looking up at Boshi.

"About halfway across the park."

"But I want food now!" they said plaintively. Boshi steered them toward a snack stand.

Two minutes later, with a sweet word and a brilliant smile, the hobbits were enjoying six free hotdogs.

They consumed them in record time.

--- --- ---

At the children's play area, Ryan, who was supposed to be watching them, had let the kids run wild. He had fallen asleep in the Dinosaur Dig pit and was now buried to the neck.

"Help! They're crazy!!"

--- --- ---

"Name?"

"Boromir."

"I meant last name."

"Boromir."

The man raised an eyebrow. "Alright Mr. Boromir-"

"Just Boromir."

"Okay, eh...any experience working with children?"

Boromir considered this a moment, flashes of the hobbits going through his head. "Definitely."

The interviewer nodded, pleased. "Good, good. Do you look good, well, convincing in a prince suit?"

"Uh...yes..."

"Great! You're hired!"

Boromir grinned and shook his hand. "Thanks."

By the time he left the room, Reala was waiting outside with a box of fries and burgers.

"Hungry?"

"Hungry as a hobbit."

Reala handed him food and sipped her Coke. "Get the job?"

"Start Monday."

Reala smiled. "Good. Now you'll actually work for a living."

"As Prince Charming."

Reala spewed her Coke out, laughing hysterically. Boromir scowled.

"What?"

"It's your dream job, 'Heir of Gondor.' "

"Shut up." Boromir took a big bite of his burger and said no more while Reala finished cackling. Reala waved to Lea, who was jogging up.

"Why are you here? You work in..." she trailed off when Lea shook her head.

"They're here."

Boromir's brow raised. "The halflings?"

"Yep."

All three groaned.

--- --- ---

"Can't you dig any faster?" Ryan whined.

Boshi stopped and raised an eyebrow at the head and shoulders above the sand.

"Be grateful. I'm not the one who fell asleep."

Ryan smiled sheepishly. Once his arms were free she left him to try to calm the rowdy masses of human children.

"Wait..." muttered Boshi. "Where are Merry and Pippin?"

Boshi decided to start her search in the most probable place. The nearest bar. 

"Wait!" yelled Ryan. "I'm still half stuck!"

"You have arms, do you not?"

"Well...yeah," he mumbled slowly.

"Then I suggest you make use of them."

Boshi strode away towards the adult lounge.

"When she's stressed, she sure talks funny," Ryan grumbled as he finally escaped the sand.

--- --- ---

Arwen, working at the Fort Wilderness lodge bar, approached the patron warily. He had been three sheets to the wind for some time, but she had been hesitant to approach him before.

"Can I get you anything?" she asked warily.

"I wan...I wan a waitress." He made a grab for a part of Arwen that men were always accused of staring at.

Five seconds later the man found himself sharing a pen with the goats, twenty dollars poorer.

--- --- ---

The tour bus rounded the corner in the Kilomanjaro Wildlife Preserve. The passengers gasped in awe of the guinea hens.

"This, ladies and gentlemen, is the African Savannah," said Legolas boredly for the umpteenth time. Suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder. He glanced back to see a middle-aged woman leaning obscenely forward. She pointed at something on the ground with one hand while the hand on his shoulder crept downward.

"What's that over there?" she purred in his ear. 'God, why did I take this shift?' thought Legolas in despair.

"It's a rock, ma'am." He glanced down to see her hand in the vicinity of his stomach and moving downward. He looked at it.

"Could you...sit back?" he said uncomfortably, squirming and making the jeep bump up and down oddly. No change. He turned off the microphone.

"Ma'am, please sit back down. Please. Please? Please?! Aaaaaahhhhaaaaiiie!"

The jeep veered off the trail and crashed into a fake concrete termite mound. The engine sputtered and died. Over the radio they could hear a tinny voice saying. "Doctor, no one here calls them Thompson's Gazelles! They are Tommies! Tommies!"

The woman snatched back her hand and sat back down quickly. Legolas looked in fury at the termite mound, silently fuming. Finally he slowly turned around.

"I'm sorry about that, but in future, if you have a question, state it without intimate physical contact!" he snapped.

Twenty minutes later, after the worst Kilomanjaro Safari Ride ever (including the time that the driver- Stephanie, incidentally- heard me saying of the-baobab- upside down tree "Ironically it looks a lot like concrete." And responded over the speakers.) "Simba One" pulled into the station, and Legolas, forgetting himself, snapped "Namárië," with much rancor. He stepped out and motioned to Stephanie (who ACTUALLY exists, which Lindi and I found out AFTER I wrote this. Freaky.) that he was taking a break. She jogged after him.

"Hey, Lego!" she called, using the irksome Legolas. "Where you going?"

Legolas sped it. Stephanie giggled. "What is it, sexy?"

Legolas ran.

--- --- ---

Lea smiled at her extremely annoying tour group. "And here is the 'bat cave' where we have the bats."

She turned around, ran smack into Legolas and yelped. 

"I...will be right back, just...look at the bats."

She was promptly dragged off into the cleaning closet.

"What happened?" she asked in concern.

Legolas was visibly shaking. "Women...old...young...smelly...help!"

"Calm down Legolas."

"I can't!"

Lea slapped him across the face and he blinked. "Thanks, I...needed that..."

"Are the lust-bunnies back again?"

"Yep. I'm seriously frustrated, Lea...I'm considering throwing hot grease on my face or something!"

"Don't do that..." she laughed, dusting him off, though nothing ever soiled him.

"My looks are a curse..."

Lea smiled slyly. "I wouldn't say that." She shrugged. "Just wear a wedding ring or something...or show them rolls of pictures of the ugliest children ever and coo over how sweet they look. They'll go."

The two of them fumbled around in the darkness of the closet corners and Lea finally pulled a chain from nowhere- it had been left over from a certain special day at Disney.

"Here. Wear this."

Legolas peered at it then frowned. "It's a purple triangle! I'm not gay-"

Lea kissed him quickly and laughed. "You'll thank me later."

"I prefer a wedding ring," he said, shuddering. "You have no idea what crap I've gotten from that business with the piggy-back ride for the hobbits. People called me Lolita for a _month_."

She patted his arm. "Yes, dear."

"Dear?"

The closet door swung open and Boromir was suddenly there: and employee-to-be pass hung around his neck.

"Come on! It's an emergency! We have to leave now!"

Legolas dropped the triangle like it had burned him.

"What?" he asked quickly. Boromir looked at what he had dropped and snickered. Lea slapped him upside the head and asked,

"What's the emergency?"

"Gimli burned the kitchen down."

Lea swore eloquently in Elvish. Boromir blinked.

"I don't know what you just said, but judging by the look on Legolas' face, it's pretty bad."

Legolas nodded and Boromir pulled both of them out. People stared.

"I'm going to kill that...that Dwarf! Deleb hadhod!"

Old women gasped and one of them fell backwards.

"Uncle Peter! My smelling salts!"

The three's image was not improved by Legolas's rumpled uniform and Boromir frenzied smoothing of his mussed hair.

Lea put her hand over her eyes. "This can't look right..."  
Boromir shook his head. "It doesn't. Let's go."

They jogged down the path past animal cages, passing the tiger enclosure. Lea stopped abruptly.

"Kitties..." she said happily. Legolas picked her up and tossed her over his shoulder.

"Lea, come on!"

Lea tugged on the ends of his hair. "Put me down! I'll turn into one of your lustbunnies if you don't!"

Legolas smiled. "I dare you."

Boromir frowned. "Put her down...that's something I'd rather not see..."

"Damn."

Lea was set back on the floor and they continued on.

"You know," said Lea thoughtfully. "If you won't let us, then you and Reala need to go out of the room when..."

Boromir impatiently cleared his throat. "All right! We have a Dwarf to bash, now stop talking!"

Reala smacked into the three of them. "Ouch."

"You hear?" asked Lea.

"Yeah, let's go." She sniffled. "My_ potholders_."

--- --- ---

They ran out to the car (You are parked in Simba.) and got in Boromir's truck. He drove, with Reala driving shotgun. She tipped the seat forward and the two Elves made flying leaps into the back of the cab. The car screeched off as the backseat occupants attempted to disentangle themselves from the tangled mass of legs.

"Do you have any idea how he burned it down?" asked Lea hurriedly.

"Did it take Gandalf's closet?" asked Legolas hopefully.

"I don't think a nuclear explosion could touch that," chided Lea.

Legolas leaned back against the back of the seat. "Stupid Dwarf."

"Stupid Dwarf," they all said in unison. A silence filled the truck. Then they saw the plume of smoke. Boromir saw Lea shifting around in the back seat.

"Lea, get off Legolas' lap."

"No! _You_ get off Gandalf's lap!" she shot back, but didn't move.

"Why you little-" he reached back and tried to smack her, but forgot he was driving.

"Boromir! Watch the fucking road!" wailed Reala.

Lea reached forward and whacked Boromir.

"Stupid!"

"_I'm_ stupid!?"

"Yes!" the other three yelled in unison.

"Trojanman," added Legolas. Boromir grumbled and Reala giggled.

"You know, we just passed our street," remarked Lea, twisting around to watch the street sign move farther away. A U-turn and two minutes later they pulled into the driveway. The driveway was blackened with soot. Lea jumped out of the car and ran over.

"What happened?"

The policemen talking to Aragorn turned and glared.

"Do you live here?"

Lea glared back. "Yes!"

He pointed to Aragorn. "Does he live here?"

"Yes!"

He pointed to Reala and Boromir. "Them?"

"YES!"

"What about-"

"We ALL live here! All twelve of us!"

Reala jogged up, then saw the policeman. She grinned wickedly. "I smell bacon, do you?"

Lea nodded. "I definitely smell some kind of pork product..."

Reala kicked Gimli. "My potholders!!"

Lea looked around nervously. "Where's Frodo?" she whispered. Aragorn smacked his forehead.

"Shoot! I knew I forgot-" Glance at policeman. "He's upstairs."

Lea turned and bolted towards the house. "Frodo! Frodo, get down here!"

"No! The eye!"

"Fire's gone, come down!"

"No!"

Lea flung open the front door. "Wait!" yelled an officer. "You can't go in there!"

Lea whirled around and hollered, "It's my house!" and ran in. she climbed up the stairs and pounded on the sooty door. "Frodo! Open the door!"

She didn't pause but started picking the lock. The door clicked open and something slammed into her middle. She looked down to see Frodo clinging to her middle. She muttered a string of obscenities about misguided psychiatric care from Gimli and tried to pry Frodo off.

"Eeef..." she muttered. "Frodo, I can't breathe!"

"It watches me at night..." said Frodo in a muffled voice.

"Yes," said Lea. "That's why we sedate you. Now let go."

--- --- ---

TBC

I was going to write a bit more here, but I discovered how long it was already. Plus I was getting pressure from other writers of blue fic.

Please let us know what you think! Please! I live on reviews.


	3. NOT A REAL UPDATE! DO NOT KILL ME! SORRY...

Ergh…yo. Lea here. This fic will be updated soon. Very soon. Sooner than soon. Just…not…now.

Heeeey…WHATEVER.


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